On Speaking

I decided to create a blog site away from the regular musings about my beautiful son. I have noticed lately that, while I am not a frequet poster, many of the posts that are on his/my site feature too many of my thoughts - rants, angers, woes, etc. So, I decided to keep that site nice and cute and clean for my family and create this one just fur mich. I originally wanted to call it F-Bombs (surprisingly the URL was even available) but decided against it for reasons that I can't explain. It just felt wrong - just like I didn't feel comfortable sporting an "F The President" sticker on my car even though I desperately wanted to publicly voice my opinion in that very way.

F-Bombs... I find myself using them more and more these days. Maybe it's the frustration I have with my job. Maybe it's then tension of being a new parent. Maybe it's because we are BROKE all the time. Maybe it's because I feel fat. Who knows? They just keep a-comin'. I try to censor myself, but it doesn't seem to work when it is not necessary for me to be on good behavior. My kid doesn't understand these words - yet. It just feels so good to say F-it and F-ing and F-off. Saying these words, while I know sounds immature and crude, is just such a sweet release of tension, anger, exhaustion, and frustration. It feels soooo good the way the phrases fling out of my mouth lashing at whatever is in my midst. I know I will have to change my ways and break the habit eventually. I am just not quite ready to cut myself loose from these glorious phrases. It's like smoking. You know it's bad for you, it stinks, it turns your teeth a putrid color of dingy yellow, yet it is one of the most difficult habits to kick. And it is oh so luscious when you’re not feeling guilty about it.

So, F-bombs will probably remain a shameful part of my repertoire, like drinking too much wine, eating too much food, being too annoyed by happy people, and yes, smoking on occasion.

This awareness of characteristics about myself that I just can’t kick brings me to one of my most annoying qualities that I see slyly popping up over and over and over again in recent months. In my attempt to appear smart, a quick wit, eloquent, and well, just plain normal, I find myself FREQUENTLY jumbling my words in ways that make me feel like a complete idiot. This has become a routine occurrence in my life. And I’m not talking just the random mixing up of the first letters of words or mispronunciation of three syllable thesaurus words. I’m talking Idiotese. Mispronunciation, wrong verb tense, hell – wrong word, long unintentional pauses in speech, forgetfulness about what I am saying, and a complete inability to make a point altogether. Sheeeesh! Is this a remnant of a hormonal imbalance from giving birth? Is this a sign that I am becoming communicatively weak by not having an asininely stressful and busy job to keep me on my toes? Or is it a sign that I am letting my brain go to mush from too much reality TV consumption? What the hell is happening here?

The only resolution I can demise is preoccupation. My mind is constantly filled with things I would rather be doing when I have to have somewhat intelligent conversations with people that I think need to be impressed for whatever reason. Pitiful.

Fuck it.